well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Randomize
