the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
