I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
