You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
