I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
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"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
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She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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