My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
