Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize