he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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