he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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