My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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