I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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