dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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