Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
