Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
