i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
