no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
