i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
zippers are such a cool invention
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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