just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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