Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
