i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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