and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
