Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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