where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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