My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
