I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
