I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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