He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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