just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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