Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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