I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
