I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
