Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
