i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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