kristin has been a bad kristin
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
