i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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