youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
