I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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