Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
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not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
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I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You are the jesus of drinking
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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