If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
