I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
