Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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