I'm really into asian looking animals
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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