Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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