Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
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Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
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Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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