i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
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sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
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Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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