my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She told me I should be a condom model.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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