Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
