so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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