She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
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