she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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