Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
