Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
