I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
