p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
