am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
