I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
