What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
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You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
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Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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