I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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